Remembering Dad: The Unspoken Burdens and Expectations on Men

When we’re little, it’s common to see our dads as superheroes—strong, dependable, and capable of handling anything. It’s only when we become adults and parents ourselves that we begin to understand the weight they carried in order to maintain the illusions that made us feel safe as kids.

Men grow up with messaging about what it means to be a "real man,” which starts when they’re only just boys. An underlying expectation that they are meant to provide for their family, protect those they love, stay strong, solve problems, and never complain when things get hard.

While these expectations have shaped generations of men, they often came at a personal cost, a cost that’s indirectly shared with their families.

Although it’s just one day a year, Father's Day is a yearly reminder of the sacrifices dads have made for their families and an opportunity to celebrate the men in our lives.

The Pressure to Be the Provider

While the pressure to provide may be shared in many households, the financial burden often falls on men. For this reason, many men tie their sense of identity to their ability to provide for their families and are hit harder by periods of unemployment, economic downturns, illness, and the financial demands of raising a family or caring for aging parents.

As kids, we often remember the sacrifices our parents made, but we weren’t able to fully appreciate the anxiety behind our parents' decisions. For this reason, family history interviews will often unveil financial struggles that were intentionally hidden from kids to protect them from worry.

The Role of Protector

Traditionally, dads have been expected to shield their families from harm, uncertainty, and danger. The role of protector extends beyond warding off physical harm to include absorbing any and all stress, making difficult decisions, and providing a sense of stability during uncertain times.

Therefore, it’s not surprising that dads feel responsible for fixing problems and ensuring everyone else is okay before taking care of themselves. However, in taking on all the stress for their families, men often neglect their own mental health.

The Weight of Being "Strong"

From a very young age, most men were taught that strength meant emotional restraint. When they got hurt, or something didn’t go as planned, they were told "Man up," "Boys don't cry," and "Keep it together." As a result, many men became experts at either managing their emotions privately or never learning to manage them at all.

This is why many dads (mine included) show their love through actions rather than words: working long hours and repairing things around the house, often only showing up when they’re really needed. As kids, we may have interpreted their emotional reserve as distance when it might have been a learned way of showing their love.

What Does It Mean to Be a "Real Man"?

What defines masculinity varies from generation to generation and from culture to culture, but the expectations and pressures to be a “real man” remain constant. Without a playbook or clear guideposts, many dads spent their lives trying to meet expectations that were often impossible to meet: be strong, be successful, be a leader, and provide for everyone but never ask for help yourself.

The Stories We Rarely Ask About

Family dinner table conversations often focus on events and achievements. Which may be why we rarely ask our dads, "What scared you?" “What sacrifices did you make for our family?” and  “What did you struggle with most?”

The answers to these questions often reveal a fuller and more human portrait. They transform "Dad" into a person with very real doubts and fears, as well as hopes and dreams.

Understanding Dad as a Whole Person

As we grow older, we may have the opportunity to see our dads as individuals, beyond their parental and marital roles. In addition, understanding that they were navigating life for the first time, too, can help us accept them for the role they played. Their successes, mistakes, strengths, and vulnerabilities all contributed to the family story.

Legacy is not only about succession, but also about understanding the very human people who, in some way, have shaped our lives.